Gamer

" That is that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith.  I do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters, in that I planned many times to come to you, (but have been prevented from doing so until now) in order that I might have a harvest among you, just as I have had among other Gentiles.  I am obligated both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish.  That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are in Rome.  For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes; first to the Jew, then to the Gentile."

       Romans 1:13-16

		Whew! Have I been through a frustrating time in my walk with Christ!  You know, there is one thing for sure when you are God's.  He doesn't compromise with what's best for you, and He doesn't play games.  Unlike me (or us maybe?).  I can be a classic 'gamer' when it comes to God.      For the past 3 weeks I have been trying to write the next "Journey" post.  I have been incredibly busy, and as I often do, I have pushed my time with God in the background.  It has been something I'll get to when I have time, although I don't think that was my conscious thought.  Now at 60 years old, and with all that I have been through in my life, one would think I would know better than that.  I'm like the child whom you have told 15 times not to go outside in winter without a coat.  Each time, that child will think they know better, that it will be ok.  Then, they try it again and always end up being cold (but not admitting it) or ending up sick.  And yet, they keep doing it.  That's me and my time with God.  Occasionally I think I can maintain relationship with a quick prayer, short Bible reading, promise for more later.  But He doesn't compromise.  Not on this point.  This one is a standard qualification.  Relationship=Time, period.      So, when trying to write with MY ideas and MY agenda, I fell flat on my face.  Day after day, nothing was working.  Then, today, as I tried one more time to get my story right, I could not find the notes I had.  Not where they were supposed to be at all.  Lost.  I never did find them.  That's when frustration set in.  I was finished....I'd "had it".  And, as I do often when at the end of my rope, I went to Him in a meaningful, truthful, humble way.  Finally got it.  You can't communicate with Someone you haven't  acknowledged in a while.  Not deep, real communication.   Then, shortly after my repentance.....again.....He let me know the real column He wanted me to write.  And the words have been flowing freely since then.       The main issue God works on with me, and has been working on for many years, is pride.  It's my Achilles Heel.  My stumbling block.  My downfall.  As a teacher, pride got me in so many stupid messes I can't even tell you.  Embarrassing to remember, yet I just didn't get it.  Not until much later.  God finally had to take me down a road professionally I never thought I would go.  But it worked.....professionally.  He's been working on my personal pride ever since.  I think He's having a tougher time with that.      I guess I always thought if you work hard, do your best, and do a good job, you have something you can be proud of.  And while that is partially true, pride must never become bigger than the humility of knowing Christ is in control.  You see, when pride is in control, it demonstrates a certain shame of the gospel.      Paul was not ashamed of the gospel, as he wrote in Romans 1:16.  He really didn't care what he had to endure for the cause of Christ.  He had met the one true Christ on the road to Damascus, and he was all out for God's plan for his life.  Totally unashamed.... not a gamer.  We can find innumerable examples of Paul's dedication to living the life God had for him.  He was sold out.      But most of us are different.  You see, when we make compromises, remain quiet, go on our own without His guidance, brag, we are subtly expressing a shame of Him.  We are not selling out for Him....we're asking Him to fit in to a box.  We already have that box labeled...."Jesus the Way I Want Him".  In that box, He doesn't pop out and embarrass us in front of unsaved friends.  He doesn't give us His will for our activities, we can do what we want.  He doesn't take away our glory for His.....He's still in the box.  That way, we can open the box, get a little bit of Jesus when we want Him, then close Him back in there.  I am SO guilty of doing that. Today was another wake up call for me.       The last time I had a Bible study in my home, we were having a discussion on reading the Bible.  Everyone was expressing their frustration with taking the time to study the Bible.  Well.....in stepped my pride and I said something about loving to study and it was my reason for getting up in the morning.  That comment has haunted me ever since, as God has shown me what I really get up for.....my morning shake, coffee, the newspaper, and morning news shows on tv.  I was shown time after time that my motivation wasn't Him and His Word, or I would do that first thing.  I would think of it first when getting up.  He has shown me that those other things were my motivation....not Him.  And basically, I spoke those things out of pride.  While I didn't think so at the time, God peeled down the layers and made it plain to me exactly what it was.       So, in this case, and many others I think, pride and shame go hand in hand.  If we cannot find our pride in Christ, are we not basically showing shame for the gospel?  If it is truly our number one priority, wouldn't we show that in our actions?  Wouldn't it be number one, rather than self?Hmmmm.      Maybe I am over-analyzing here, equating pride with shame.  Somehow I don't think so.  As distasteful as it is to me, my pride in self shows shame for Him.  When I think of it as showing shame for my faith, it shocks me.  I'm not ashamed of Christ.....that's ludicrous. I love Him.  But if I am not ashamed, then why do I make these choices?  Why do I grab other available opportunities rather than the opportunities with Him?  My pride, my ego, my selfishness, call it what you like.      I know I will never get it right this side of heaven.  But I want God to keep teaching me.  I want to get my toes stepped on ....to have Him do what it takes to bring me closer to Him.  I know I haven't learned this lesson completely yet.  I know He'll have to do the same thing in a different way later.  But, praise God, He's patient.  He loves us that much.  And He will continue to teach this gamer a new game....one where He makes the rules and awards the prizes.  And that's really the game I want to play.